hidden away...

over mountains and sky blue seas

on great circles will you watch for me

the sweetest feeling

i've got inside

i just can't wait to get lost in your eyes

and all these words

that you meant to say

held in silence

day after day

words of kindness

that our poor hearts crave

please don't keep them 

hidden away

sing it out

so i can finally breathe in

i can take in all you say

holding out for something i believe in

all i really need today

i want to free your heart

i want to see your heart

please don't keep your heart hidden away

you're a wonder

how bright you shine

flickered candle in a short lifetime

secret dreamer that never shows

if no one sees you than nobody knows

and all these words you were meant to say

held in silence day after day

words of kindness that our poor hearts crave

please don't keep them

hidden away

sing it out

so i can finally breathe in

i can take in all you say

reaching out for someone i believe in

all i really need today

i want to feel your love

will you reveal your love

please don't keep your love

hidden away

i want to free your heart

i want to see your heart

please don't keep your heart

hidden away

— josh groban "hidden away"

-----

my sweet darlings. how i love you day in and day out. i am thankful that i hold you in my heart, even if i can't hold you in my arms. the song above makes me think of life and what i think your arrival will be. it will be a freeing of my motherly desires. it will be an expression of amazing love and gratitude and glory and honor and praise to God for the gift of life. "you're a wonder, how bright you shine. flickered candle in a short lifetime" while you're still just a dream, i can look and ponder what life will be when you join me and your daddy. it will be as though God turned on every light in the house, turned on the fire and filled my heart with a warmth and joy that only He could provide through a special gift like you. i know it will be like something i've never been able to fully feel and experience. oh my loves, don't stay hidden away too long. i love you. the tears pouring down my face will one day turn from tears of longing to tears of joy. i look forward to that day.

love,
mommy.

clear the air.

hi my darling babies. been thinking of you like usual. sadly, my doctor called and told me that the tests she took to see if you were in my tummy came back negative, so i guess you're still a little shy. i hope you don't stay shy for too much longer! there's a whole world of experiences and love that i want to subject you to. unfortunately, theres a lot of not so good stuff that you will be subjected to when you do get here, but i'll do my best to keep you safe, keep nastiness and pain away and ease and comfort you when i can't.

when the doctor told me i was not pregnant, honestly, i was not immediately crushed nor did i have the overwhelming feeling to grieve. but once i processed it by replaying the words over and over in my head, the more i understood and the more i felt like i'd never meet you. there were no expectations of being pregnant, just a faint hope i suppose. and when someone of position and authority tells you, "no, you are not pregnant." - it just feels so permanent and even more real. BUT. when it comes down to it, i am still content because i know that our Father in Heaven is gracious and sovereign and no matter what, i will be okay. even if you don't come, i'll be sad and i believe that my heart will still ache for you, but i know that God will provide me with exactly what it is that is best for me and which will bring the most glory to Him.

this does not mean that i did not have a good cry. i cried a lot! i almost went to bed at 7pm, i skipped dinner and ate a bunch of ice cream when i shouldn't have.

oh my sweet ones, i love you. i know i say this a lot - but i miss you and i cannot wait to meet you. my friend recently had a baby and she said "i can't believe i could love someone so much that i just met". i quickly reminded her that she didn't just meet her daughter, that she had 9 months of getting to know her before she came out of her tummy and joined us out here in the world. it makes me think about how much i love you and i haven't even met you from the inside of my tummy, let alone on the outside. so how can i love someone so much that i've never met? what an intense and surreal feeling it is.

i guess i'll go. its very late and i'm pretty sleepy. i will talk to you again soon my precious babies.

love,
mommy.

naturalizing...

hi my babies. i wanted to tell you something. i talk a lot about wanting to feel you in my tummy, that i want to experience being a mommy before you've even taken your first breath of air. i know i talk about that a lot and i won't make light of it, i really do hope to have you inside my tummy where i can care for you from conception on. but i also want to let you know that if for some reason you come into my life in a different way other than what i have hoped for, i want you to know that i love you just the same, no matter what. no matter how you come into my life, you're still so precious and special to me. i love you and i cherish you. i am blessed to be your mommy.

your dear old mother has some medical nonsense that may possibly prevent her from having a safe and healthy home inside her tummy for you, so if that is the case, we may have to go another route to find and bring you home to be with us. theres this thing called adoption. its when you're born by one person who feels that the most loving and responsible thing for them to do is to place you for adoption so that a family who is looking to love and care for you is waiting. if for some reason we have to go that route, i never want you to think that i resent you, that i am utterly disappointed that you are not my blood. if i call you my son, if i call you my daughter, you mean more to me than i can even express. God has given me a huge capacity to love you and i can't wait to shower you with it, to the best of my abilities. i may not be perfect, there may be days that i'm awful or a mess, but i love you and always will. please show me grace just as Christ has! please!

there are a few things about adoption that are simply amazing. 1) your grandpa & grandma johnson were both adopted! you could have that in common! 2) your birth mother loved, cared and respected your life so much that  she knew she was unable to give you the life you deserved, so she allowed you to come to a family who could offer you that life. 3) as a Christian, we are adopted into the family of Jesus! how amazing is that? when Jesus chooses us to be a part of His family, He calls us to His family, He saves us from our sins, He adopts us and makes us heirs to His kingdom. so if you think of adoption in a heavenly fashion, its quite a remarkable thing. i am nowhere near as amazing as God but if you come into my life through adoption, i am bringing you into my life as if you were my own blood, as if you did come from my womb, you are my family. so nothing will ever change that. there will be no partiality or sadness that you did not come from my tummy... because if God chooses to give you to me through the form of adoption, i will remember that I was adopted into Christ's family and I'm so glad that i was. i hope you will be happy with me and bud as your mommy and daddy. we love you!

love,
mommy.

doctors, doctors and...

hello my lovely ones. this won't be a long blog, as your old mom needs to get to bed. today was full of stuff that i needed to get done. you see, mommy's body is not very kind to her on a number of occasions. i have a bunch of different things that require attention more often than not, and thankfully to the help of your grandma johnson, your daddy and i were clued in on a program that would help mommy get some help! it helped daddy too! he got his sore tooth taken care of! hooray! so today, i went to see mommy's favorite doctor, dr. jett. she is a sweet lady who really does care about the needs of her patients. i told her my concerns and she jumped right into action. i gave some blood so she can see if a) you're actually IN my tummy... (unfortunately, i have a feeling you're still being a bit shy and that you are not there, not yet at least... but it'd be a wonderful surprise if you were!) b) if my body is doing what it needs to do so that you can have a safe and happy home in my tummy and c) to see if there is something wrong that causes mommy to not lose weight properly and such.

now that i've seen dr. jett, i have the a-okay to go to another doctor. this doctor will also help your mom get in the right shape so that you can be happy and healthy in my tummy until the day that you are ready to come out! i've never met this doctor, so i'll have to tell you what i think after i meet her. i'm hoping and praying that she is lovely like dr. jett. so next month is a big month of finding out answers and seeing where to go from here. i would love to hear from dr. jett that you are in my tummy, growing and ready to surprise me. but, i won't get my hopes up, because if i do and you're not ready to be in there, i will get very sad. i miss you and i haven't even met you yet! how is that possible? life is pretty crazy right now, but i know that God is going to get us through it all and He will remain glorified in our lives.

oh my lovies, i love you so much. i cannot wait to stroke your soft cheeks and kiss you softly as you sleep. to hold your little hands in mine and know that you are mine. i can't wait to hold you in my arms and praise God for giving me such a blessing, for being the ultimate provider of our hearts desires. never forget that God is in control. He loves us and knows our hearts, you don't have to fear. oh how i long for the day that i can tell you all about Jesus, to tell you the Gospel, to take you to sunday school and hear you tell me about all that you learned. i love you, my babies. even though you're not here, even though i don't know you yet, when you finally read this, i hope you know that i love you and have loved you since before you were born. and i'll always love you, no matter what. you are in my heart and God has graciously blessed me with you to love and cherish. i love you so much.

love,
mommy.

hong kong and you.

hi my little ones. you are always on my mind and i always hold you in my heart. if i could, i'd pick you up right now and hold you close to me. so close that you could hear my heartbeat and know that you are apart of me. what a wonderful feeling it must be to be a mommy. some friends of ours had their little girls this past weekend. our friends brian and lea had a little girl and named her eislee. our friends erik and juli had their little girl and named her avery. don't worry - i'm sure that one day you'll meet them and become very good friends. depending on how things go, you may grow up one day with little eislee, maybe you'll be best friends! who knows! let me guess, you're thinking, why mom? i don't even know them! you see, eislee's mommy and daddy have the same desire as your mommy and daddy; and thats to see the land of hong kong changed drastically by our Father in Heaven. He is the only way that hong kong will be changed and we pray and can't wait to see how God will use us in that work. the doster family and the newman family long to see Jesus save the people of hong kong, to see them rise up and bring Glory to God with their lives. there's so much work to be done there, and one day you will be apart of it. yay!

i know i've talked of friends in hong kong, but i don't think i've ever told you about it. if you're anything like your mommy, you will think that its the most amazing place. if you're anything like your daddy, you'll think its the greatest city on earth. its full of people, large buildings, lots of trains, lots of history, great food, beautiful scenery and there is SO much to do. the people around hong kong, most of them are very busy, going form work to school, to after school programs, working a lot, always looking to improve themselves. its a very fast paced place, but oddly enough, to me - i have a calm there. your daddy is a genius at navigating us around and at picking up the language, he's very "at home" while there. its wonderful! the people of hong kong, for the most part, are very nice, intriguing and to me, extremely lovely and beautiful. there's a lot of hurt and need for Jesus there though, just like every place in the world. however, mommy and daddy's heart feels the closest to the hearts of the chinese. oh yeah... hong kong is in china! technically it is china, but theres another 37 years until china completely takes over, meaning freedoms and such. anyway - i have lots of pictures i could show you of hong kong! when you get here though, i have a feeling that not long after you arrive, we will be moving back over to hong kong, so you'll get to experience it first hand, and i'll have to show you pictures of america to show you where you came from!

i know, let me guess... 'mommy, you're talking about a lot of stuff i don't understand yet." i know, i just want to talk to you about the land that your mommy and daddy love so much. we want to see your heart love the people of hong kong like we do, to desire to see the Lord do a great work in the lives of these people, to see it overflow into mainland China and to the rest of the world. theres so much that i can't wait to experience with you, to see your eyes light up when we see the light show at the harbor in tst, to hear you cry that you don't want to walk up any more steps when going to visit the big buddah or to the temple in fanling. i want you to taste real chinese food, taste amazing new fruits like dragonfruit and jack fruit. i want you to smell the awful smell of durian and enjoy tricking friends into trying it, like we do! i want you to take our Father's word to those who need it. 

oh wouldn't it be great to take bike rides all over and learn alongside a lot of people who may not look like you, but you will be able to share in their culture as you will grow up in that culture. i'm so excited for you my already multi-cultural little ones. i cannot wait to meet you. i cannot wait to hold you and love you and have you nurse from my breast. i can't wait to watch your daddy fall in love with you and hold you and kiss you. and i can't wait to take you to where our heart calls home. i love you my darlings. i can't wait. i anticipate your snuggles and kisses everyday. please come soon. there's so much we get to do together! its going to be great!

love,

mommy.

i don't ever forget

hello my little ones. i know its been a while. the thought of you is always on my mind, but life has been very chaotic and unfortunately, its taken a toll on my ability to sit and write without feeling overwhelmed. many of our friends are having babies all around us, you see. it makes it a tad difficult for your mum because i desperately want to hold you in my arms, kiss your little cheeks and smell your sweet smelling skin. i love you. lately i've been thinking of you quite often. there are times, admittedly that my thoughts of you are covered with a mass of "things" i have to do. its not that i'm not thinking of you, its more i'm keeping my thoughts at bay as to not miss you, even though i've never met you. honestly, i don't think this makes sense to anyone but myself, but it feels good to write it to you. to let you know that even when it doesn't seem like i'm thinking of you to others around me, i am. thankfully, i'm not stressing about it, its just a constant desire thats there that i lovingly await to come to fruition. i love you.

your daddy wants you to come soon as well! many people do. :) i wonder what its like to come into the world with so many people excited to meet you and have been waiting a long time to meet you also! you will most likely bee some of the most anticipated, loved and longed for children to ever grace the land! okay, maybe thats a little overboard. but you are incredibly loved by so many, and you haven't even come yet. what an exciting life you already have!

well, i guess i should go for now. i'm a bit tired, as i've come down with a cold. i've had it for nearly a week now. its kind of annoying. i'm going to go rest. i love you, my dear ones. i hope to meet you soon. goodnight.

love,
mommy.

sweet little ones!

hello my sweeties. been thinking of you and praying that you'd come into my life soon. all in God's timing obviously. you'll learn that when you do get here, we try to not operate on our timing in this family - no - we seek to do things in God's timing and trust in His direction! its not always easy my darlings, but its the best thing to do. we don't know better than God! :)

so last night i dreamt about you and i dreamt of my little buel burton newman V. oh my sweet little one, i dreamt about how awesome it'd be to have you in my tummy and when you came out, you had my curly hair and daddy's pouty lips! it was amazing and you perfectly precious. oh how i can't wait for that day! but i know i have to. anyway - i have to go to bed. mommy's been working out a lot at the gym lately, trying to get in better shape so that you'll come and i'll be in great shape to play and love on you. so i'm sore. but its all worth it. i love you and can't wait to meet you and hold you in my arms.

love,
mommy.

when you come around

hi babies. thinking of you a lot today. a friend of mine had her little boy! his name is judah israel! if we lived closer you could be friends with him. i was thinking today what it would be like to go on outings with you! like, how much fun would it be to go to the park and run around and play tag, duck duck goose, sit down for a picnic, run around some more, maybe go on some swings or other playground stuff. it will be so much fun to do all of that. good exercise too! speaking of exercise, your old mom here is trying to get in shape, shed some pounds and make it easier for you to make a home in her tummy for 9 months! hopefully you'll like what i've done so far and come soon! but really - no hurry. i know that when you come i'll love you more than i can even express and your arrival is all in God's timing. daddy and i are loving you and thinking of you a lot!

know what else i was thinking about? how much fun it will be to talk about Jesus together. i can tell you all sorts of awesome stories and hopefully i'll do a good job at showing you the Love that He has for us. oh boy, it will be so much fun.

well, i have to go to bed - i have to be at work very early tomorrow! so until next time, please know that whenever i don't write in here, i'm still thinking and praying for you. i long to hold you and kiss you and sing to you. can't wait to hold you in my arms and pray over you and thank God for the blessing of your life in mine!

love,
mommy.

you're precious.

hi babies. its been a while since i wrote - but i haven't forgotten about you. i still think about you every day. your daddy and i thought you were going to be in my tummy last month but things didn't turn out that way, so we're going to get back to trying and hoping that you'll make you're arrival. i wish i could say take your time without feeling like i'm lying but in reality - i want you here, like, in my arms, yesterday. i played with a little boy yesterday - if you come soon, you and him can be good friends! his name is joel and he's only 5 months old right now. his sister is 4 and her name is lisa. she can be your friend too! just don't eat the leaves! (she likes to play make-pretend. i'll teach you it sometime!)

oh my sweet gems, i love you and i cherish you. i am so happy to think of you and get to know you even before you're here. one day i'll hold you in my arms and it will be beautiful. i'll hold you to my breast and we'll bond. we'll snuggle on the couch and read books or listen to music. oh i can't wait for the day! i love you.

love,
mommy.

hoping for you.

mommy loves you and is thinking about you. i will write a little more later. but for now i must go to sleep - mommy's not feeling very good, sorry to tell ya, when you're born you're bound to get a yucky tummy sooner or later. but i'll be there to take care of you and help you get better. i love you.

love,
mommy.

oh i haven't stopped thinking of you!

my little ones! mommy has not forgotten about you. she has not stopped thinking about you. she's just been failing at writing blogs! please forgive me. this one is going to be very short. i just wanted to say, happy mother's day. i'm thinking of you and loving you and will be so blessed the day that you are in my tummy. i can't wait! God knows when it will happen. hopefully soon. until then, i'm trying to keep my tummy healthy for you and i promise to welcome you to the world as soon as i find out you're in my tummy... with cookies!!! i must go to sleep now. thinking of you and loving you always!

love,
mommy.

where there is love, i'll be there.

hello my babies. oh how i am longing to hold you in my arms. seeing cute little babies at church today, talking to MaMa Joni on the phone about things and hearing her take care of her little girls (who will be like big sisters to you!) and wondering lots of things about myself and your daddy - it all welled up in my heart today. i want to have you little ones in my tummy and in my arms soon. i do know that i must be patient and that i must press on. two things we talked about at church today - and i'm learning to do that. but oh what a joy it would be to have you inside, knowing that you're going to grow and i'll feel you doing your first dance steps inside my tummy. knowing that one day soon i'll be able to take you into my arms and nestle you upon my breast and enjoy the bond of mother and child. oh i cannot even fathom what it will be like when you are here. if i love you this much now, can you imagine what it will be like when you're physically here? i am going to have to start training myself to not spoil you now. honestly, i don't think i will spoil you (i wasn't spoiled by your grandma and grandpa, so don't expect to be spoiled, at least not by me) but you will have all the love you will ever need.

your daddy and i hung out with your grandpa and grandma johnson today. it was a lot of fun! we had yummy lasagna and salad and garlic bread. these are all things i'm assuming you will truly enjoy one day!!! oh and we had cake and iced tea! it was very nice. then i looked at pictures of memaw and pawpaw's life before i was around and it was very interesting. there are a lot of people i wish i could have met that unfortunately i never got the chance too. it was neat to see pictures of my mommy around the same age as i am now! sadly she was much skinnier than i am, but i am slowly losing weight. you'd be so proud of me. but if you're in my tummy, i don't know how much weight i'll lose. hopefully i'll lose weight while still keeping you healthy and happy in there! who knows. anyway - after 5 or 6 books of pictures and taking a short nap with your daddy on the couch we came home and that was when i talked to MaMa Joni. she wrote a book and its going to be published! i will read it to you one day!!! woohoo! its all about your friend (kind of sister) hailey joy and her love for green beans. i hope one day you like green beans. i do! your daddy does not.

anyhow, i should go. i want to spend some special time with daddy before i go to sleep. so i will have to talk to you again some other time my lovelies. until next time - know that i'm loving you and thinking of you every day and am eager to meet you and get to know you!

love,
mommy.

your friend brody came over!

hi babies. your friend brody came over today. he was a little unnerved when he first got here but i think he became more comfortable a little later. his mommy is your mommy's friend. her name is becky and she can't wait to meet you. sadly - i don't think you're in mommy's tummy yet. it was a sad day today because when i took the test to see if you were in my tummy, it said no. but you know what i'm learning through waiting? i'm learning to love Jesus more and to trust Him more with the things that are out of my control. daddy and i can do whats necessary to get you in my tummy but it takes a work of God to make it happen. so i will continue to pray for your arrival. but even so - i continue to pray for you daily and the life that you will live and lead. i love you. sorry for a short update. i didn't want to make it seem as if i was ignoring you - i just haven't been very up on writing in my blogs and if i do, its just about what i did during the day and then i go to bed. well, i must go to bed now actually. i hold you in my heart, my lovelies. until that day when i get to hold you - i'm dreaming and praying of your arrival.

love,
mommy.

every mother's prayer...

tears are flowing while i listen to this song. i love you my babies. come to me soon.

love,

mommy.

oh my little ones how i love you.

dearest ones! oh how i love you so much. please come soon! the anticipation is making mommy go crazy. i don't know if you're even in my belly yet (you could be but who knows... we have to wait to find out) but if you are - i love you even if you're only the size of a sesame seed! today while holding the babies that i watch everyday, i held them close and it made me think about how i'm going to wrap my arms around you and hold you tight. it made me think about how so many people are going to be excited to meet you and love you. you should hurry up and come so you can meet all these awesome people. let me make a list of people who want to meet you!

your daddy

your mommy

your puppy

your kitty

your grandpa johnson

your grandma johnson

your uncle bob

your aunt donna

your cousin alissa

your cousin caleb

your cousin meaghan

your uncle matt

your uncle dan

your aunt sarah

your cousin carter

your grandpa newman

your grandma newman

your uncle steven

your aunt julie

your great grandfather newman

your great uncle newman

your great aunt newman

your first cousin jesse

your first cousin joel

your great grandpa walker

your great grandpa walker's girlfriend lynn

your auntie cher

your mama joni (and her husband vince and their kids - natalie, emma & hailey joy)

your mommy's best friends katie, amber, & cat

your mommy and daddy's friends: jared, cami, daks & zaedyn, becky, cara. nick, liz & steve - joshua and elijah and sabrina and lydia and katie, tammy, forrest, nic & laura, matt and nikki, juli and erik, kyle & stacy, justin, james, richard & rhonda and leila and ailia, andy, april, noeme, vaughn, maria, grace & winton - gloria and wallace, maggie, friends in hong kong, the carbajals, michelle, the chans, the rest of the crossweave family... etc. there is plenty of people that we love and cherish but did not name, because its getting late and i need rest...

the list will continue to go on and on. anyone who meets me will be SO happy to meet you because you're a very special part of your mommy's life. anyone who meets your daddy will be SO happy to meet you because you're a very special part of your daddy's life. so you better hurry up, come quickly so we can hang out with all these awesome people and be blessed by them and be a blessing to them! well, i have to go to bed my dear. if you're in your mommy's tummy right now - she needs her rest so you can grow and thrive. i love you my darlings. so much i can't even express it in words. hope to see you soon.

love, 

mommy

from daddy.

often times i sit and think

of what it will be like

to hear you laugh and carry on

and hold your gentle frame

now is such a time for me

to dream and wish alike

and think of how i'll love you more

but never just the same

perhaps you'll be an architect

a linguist or a vet

or make creative sight and sound

to capture everyone

i think you could be many things

all wonderful, and yet

the one thing you shall e'er remain:

my daughter and/or son

love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul and strength.

hello my darlings. i love you. and because i love you - i want you to know something. i am praying for you. i know i've said this before, but today - i prayed especially for you. i was taking a hot shower, asking God to bring you into my life, to allow you to come sooner rather than later and it struck me that i need to DAILY pray for your life. and what that means is not just that you will be here and live and be my child. but most importantly that your life will be a living sacrifice to the Lord of Hosts. that you will live your life as a poured out drink offering to Him. i want you to be children of God, apart of His inheritance, following Him in His priesthood over our lives. if nothing else, i want you to love the Lord and live to serve Him. i don't care what you look like, i don't care if your fat or thin, if you're popular or unpopular, if you're funny or not. the only thing that truly matters is that you live your life in accordance to the will of God. the will He has for your life and that is to cling to Him, repent and follow Him. i pray this over you even now, before you're even born. that is SO important and it brings me to tears thinking of you living a life apart from Him. but it brings me to tears living a life in honor of Him too. i love you. and i promise to tell you all about Jesus and what He has done in my life, in your daddy's life, in the life of our friends and family. and i promise to teach you all i know and if i don't know something - we'll look into it together and grow together. i'm so excited little ones. i love you and i can't wait to meet you and help you to meet Jesus.

love,
mommy.

i want to hold you.

hi my babies. its been a few days, but please know that i haven't gone a day without thinking of you or loving you. your daddy and i have been talking about you coming into our lives soon (we're hoping that day comes soon) and all the things we will be able to do with you while you're in my tummy. (and when you're not in my tummy anymore, of course! but let me focus on that part for a little bit) let me explain - in a very brief way. you come from the love of mommy and daddy and you end up in my tummy until the day you're supposed to have your birthday! when you come out of mommy's belly, thats considered your birthday! i'm sorry but you won't be getting cake or ice cream on your very first birthdays. maybe your 1 year birthday! you will be in mommy's tummy for nearly a year. its like your very own condo. you have everything you need. protection, food, a place to play, a place to dance! and i will make sure to make it as lovely for you as possible!

as you grow in my tummy, my tummy grows with you! you will no doubt one day learn about the constant battle women have with big tummy's and the dirty word - 'weight'. women don't like to be overweight. sadly - i am overweight, but i know you'll love me regardless! we're going to be best friends! but when theres a baby in a womans tummy, most women don't care how big they get! i know i won't. as long as you're healthy and i'm not putting either of us at risk, if you want to make me look like a beached whale, thats okay in my book. i can't wait to be able to feel you moving inside. the little flutters at first where you're just learning the butt wiggle. the more noticeable movements where you're learning the side to side groove. and then the big moves where you've learned the chacha, the salsa, the lindy hop and the cancan! wow, you will know more dance moves then me! you're so brilliant!!! i can't wait to meet you.

i hope you don't mind that while you're in my tummy, i plan on wearing shirts that are either geeky and fun or super cute. i have a feeling i'm going to love maternity clothes as i already do but have no reason to wear them. i'm not pregnant yet! but once you're in there, i plan on wearing fun clothes. but don't worry - when you're born, you will be wearing fun awesome clothes too! how's a ninja shirt or an iPood shirt sound? they have some super fun clothes for you out there and i'm going to get them all. well maybe not, but a good mix for sure. and you will also have a nice bed, a nice car seat, a nice stroller. maybe a few toys - but lets get one thing straight. you're not going to be spoiled with stuff. sorry. you'll be SUPER loved, you'll have a few THINGS, but your dad and i are minimalists. we get by with what we NEED and have very few extras. its just how we are. but - theres a lot of love in this family and when you get here, there will be even more!

well, i'm tired and i'm sure you can tell by reading this blog. i'm kind of all over the place. i'm not feeling very well and my head is a little foggy today. i better get to bed so i can go to work tomorrow and make money. whee. well, i love you my babies. you're more precious to me then you even know or will ever know i think. you're amazing and i love you. daddy loves you too. one day he'll write to you on here, hopefully one day soon. praying for you in more ways than one.

love,
mommy.

monster truck licked my nose!!

hi sweet ones! this will probably be a short note as i have a few things i need to get done before going to bed, but i wanted to tell you a few things!

i hope you enjoyed your letter from MaMa joni! she's a wonderful person and when you meet her, you'll totally agree that she is one special lady! i bet you wanted to have some of her muffins after she told you she was cooking them. i know i did. we both hope that she can be there when you're born (whenever that is!). she belongs there, along with your daddy, grandma and your grandpa. thats assuming they all want to be there! daddy doesn't get a say in the matter, though.

you've been in my thoughts a lot today. i played with the 2 little girls i babysit and while i was playing with them, i was wishing they were you. sometimes being a nanny is hard on your mommy, as i so wish you were here or at least in my tummy already, making your way here. i have so many hugs and so many kisses to give you!! i have so many tummy rides, airplane rides to give you and lots of raspberries to attack those bellies of yours with! don't worry, it doesn't hurt!!! it tickles like crazy!!! when i see ailia and leila's mommy and daddy hug and kiss them - i see the love they have for their babies and i can only imagine the feeling they have each and every day when they see them wake up, play, cry, eat, sleep, laugh, and everything else. i have that same love - even more so - for you and you're not even here yet. i can't imagine how much i will love you when you're here and i can hold you and kiss you and hug you and feel you in my arms! what a great day that will be!!!

daddy and i are eagerly awaiting your arrival. one day you will be in my tummy and i'll feel you doing backflips and moonwalks in my tummy. one day you'll be in my arms and on my breast, where we'll bond and grow to love each other and trust one another. some day you'll be there and i'll take you to school for the first time and be eager to hear all about your day when you get home. oh for the days where we can hang out and be friends and learn from one another. i love you, my babies. i must go for now but know i'm thinking of you always and love you always and forever.

love,
mommy.

all day long!

hi sweetnesses. i've been thinking of you ALL day long. this morning i went to your cousin carter's birthday party. your uncle dan and aunt sarah had a very nice party for carter's 2 year birthday today and it was a lot of fun. all the children running around and playing together made me wish you were here already. i know you would have had so much fun! there were plenty of toys to play with, little friends, yummy food and guess what else? CAKE! birthday cake! if you are anything like your mommy and daddy, you're going to love cake and other yummy sweets. 

i hope you understand we're not going to let you eat junk food all the time, thats just not going to happen. sorry. i know you'll probably have a strong objection to this, but you'll thank me when you're older. wow, although you're not even conceived yet (except in my heart) i'm already saying things that your grandmother said to me. thats not a bad thing though - your grandparents are pretty amazing. they are very different from one another, but their awesome. each in their own way!

anyway, back to carter's birthday party and how i thought of you all day! it was fun playing with your cousin carter today and getting ideas at what we can do for you when you turn 2! wow, 2 years old! i wonder what kind of birthday party you would enjoy. its so exciting, speculating and dreaming of what kind of things you will like. your daddy and i got carter a big truck for him to play with and he really liked it! and while everyone was eating their cake and ice cream (which is another treat you're going to love. its probably one of daddy's favorite things) i was able to visit with some of aunt sarah's family and held carter's cousin, eliana. she's itty bitty and has dimples that are super cute. i hope you have dimples like your grandma johnson! but even if you don't, you'll still be the cutest of cute children in the world. you will ALWAYS hold THE special place in my heart that God put there specifically for you. 

after i got kisses from the carter-man, your daddy and i came home and relaxed a bit. we took monster truck (thats our doggy! can't wait for you to meet her, she'll give you lots of kisses!) for a walk on the beach which was nice. when we came back, i relaxed on the couch and watched cooking shows. hopefully one day you'll watch cooking shows with me and we can get in the kitchen and cook some cookies for your daddy!! after a while, i got a little bored and started to crave sushi. i'll explain sushi to you another day (but if you like it, you get that from me! daddy HATES it and can't have it because it makes him sick!). so we went to the whole foods market and looked around. we stopped by the baby section, checked out some diapers. but i don't think we're going to be getting diapers from the regular stores. your mama joni showed me something that will be awesome. 

speaking of your mama joni. let me introduce you to her now. she's a very special friend to mommy and daddy. she's been there for us in some really difficult times and she has been an inspiration and good friend! you will love her and she already loves you!!! she has 3 little girls - natalie, emma and hailey joy. her husband vince is a very nice man who is the perfect man for joni! God gave her a good husband!! one day i'll explain everything with joni - but for now, the most important thing for you to know is that she prays for you like mommy prays for you. she loves you even though you're not here yet as well. how special it is to know how loved you are! mama joni is a remarkable lady, she wrote a book and i plan to read it to you EVERY night! its all about our hailey joy and eating green beans. i hope you like green beans! they taste yummy. 

well, i guess i should stop here. but i hope you can see how you've been on my mind and heart all day. i cannot wait to share all sorts of experiences with you - like birthday parties, eating birthday cake and ice cream, reading books, eating green beans. 

oh yeah, real quick. you have a kitty cat too! i call her poocatty. her real name is mistress ching, but she gets called a bunch of different names. it will be fun for you to meet her too. she's very cute! 

well, i love you my darlings. i love writing to you, i love dreaming and plotting amazing and exciting things to do with you (even when they are little things, they will be awesome because we will be together). i love thinking about you being born and knowing that you've been made with love by God and are a gift specifically for your daddy and me. i love you and i can't wait to meet you. i'll write again soon. 

love, 

mommy.

full of mommy thoughts!

hello my lovely ones. although you're not here yet, although you're still a thought in my mind and a prayer in my heart - you're still loved and this is just a little glimpse at the love i have for you.

perhaps you're my little boy. maybe one day you and i will play in the mud together, playing with trucks and catching bugs! i bet one day i'll be watching you try out for sports and play them with vigor! don't worry - i will do my best to kiss all your skinned knees and elbows, i'll put ice on any and all bumps and bruises. don't worry, i will try not to embarrass you in front of your friends. maybe you want to be a singer or a drummer! if thats your dream - you get it from your daddy and myself. speaking of your father, do me a favor and don't gang up on me with him when you're better at speaking cantonese than i am. maybe one day i'll see you take a girl out on a date, and hopefully i won't have to wipe any tears of heartbreak from any eyes. i'll have to fight them back myself, my dear handsome son - as i know one day i'll be replaced with that one special woman who you just can't live without and will marry. you better take care of your bride and any little children that come along. but what a joy it will be, to see you grow up into a God fearing man, get married, raise children of your own. oh to be a grandmother to your children! i can't even comprehend what that will be like! my hope is for you that you'll seek after the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind - that you will let Him guide you in your day to day life and whatever future He has for you. there's so much i'd love to say to you but for now i'll just say this: it will be great to be your mommy! i love you.

perhaps you're my little girl. maybe one day i'll hear you sing disney songs and worship songs. my heart would burst with joy, how fun it would be to sing with you! maybe we'll even play in the mud too and catch bugs! perhaps you want to do sports or maybe you'll take after your old mom and be a singer. i'll teach you anything it is that i think i know about singing and songs and music! your old man will be better at teaching you music theory and stuff like that, if you know, you're interested in all that! if its sports - i'll be at every try out and i'll go to every game (i'll do my best that is). and just because you're a girl - that doesn't mean you'll go without skinned knees and elbows. i'll do my best to kiss them better and hug any tears away! and although i'm not big into getting nails done and hair done and all that kind of pampering stuff - i'm sure we'll do that a little bit! maybe we'll go to mainland china and get massages for really cheap! that would be fun. oh maybe i can even teach you how to crochet! maybe you'll make more scarves in your life than i have, i hope i don't give you the curse of starting and not finishing them!  oh my darling daughter, i pray that you don't try to find your worth in any boy and that you wait for that one guy who will love you for who you are inside. a man like your father, who will lead you in your walk with the Lord and who will take care of you the way a man should. but i also pray that you wait and don't rely on that. i pray that you will be that proverbs 31 woman and that if anything happens - you find your life in line with God's will for you. i could say heaps more but i'll stop with this: i love you and wow, its going to be amazing to be your mommy!

till next time my dears.

love,
mommy.