clear the air.

hi my darling babies. been thinking of you like usual. sadly, my doctor called and told me that the tests she took to see if you were in my tummy came back negative, so i guess you're still a little shy. i hope you don't stay shy for too much longer! there's a whole world of experiences and love that i want to subject you to. unfortunately, theres a lot of not so good stuff that you will be subjected to when you do get here, but i'll do my best to keep you safe, keep nastiness and pain away and ease and comfort you when i can't.

when the doctor told me i was not pregnant, honestly, i was not immediately crushed nor did i have the overwhelming feeling to grieve. but once i processed it by replaying the words over and over in my head, the more i understood and the more i felt like i'd never meet you. there were no expectations of being pregnant, just a faint hope i suppose. and when someone of position and authority tells you, "no, you are not pregnant." - it just feels so permanent and even more real. BUT. when it comes down to it, i am still content because i know that our Father in Heaven is gracious and sovereign and no matter what, i will be okay. even if you don't come, i'll be sad and i believe that my heart will still ache for you, but i know that God will provide me with exactly what it is that is best for me and which will bring the most glory to Him.

this does not mean that i did not have a good cry. i cried a lot! i almost went to bed at 7pm, i skipped dinner and ate a bunch of ice cream when i shouldn't have.

oh my sweet ones, i love you. i know i say this a lot - but i miss you and i cannot wait to meet you. my friend recently had a baby and she said "i can't believe i could love someone so much that i just met". i quickly reminded her that she didn't just meet her daughter, that she had 9 months of getting to know her before she came out of her tummy and joined us out here in the world. it makes me think about how much i love you and i haven't even met you from the inside of my tummy, let alone on the outside. so how can i love someone so much that i've never met? what an intense and surreal feeling it is.

i guess i'll go. its very late and i'm pretty sleepy. i will talk to you again soon my precious babies.

love,
mommy.