clear the air.

hi my darling babies. been thinking of you like usual. sadly, my doctor called and told me that the tests she took to see if you were in my tummy came back negative, so i guess you're still a little shy. i hope you don't stay shy for too much longer! there's a whole world of experiences and love that i want to subject you to. unfortunately, theres a lot of not so good stuff that you will be subjected to when you do get here, but i'll do my best to keep you safe, keep nastiness and pain away and ease and comfort you when i can't.

when the doctor told me i was not pregnant, honestly, i was not immediately crushed nor did i have the overwhelming feeling to grieve. but once i processed it by replaying the words over and over in my head, the more i understood and the more i felt like i'd never meet you. there were no expectations of being pregnant, just a faint hope i suppose. and when someone of position and authority tells you, "no, you are not pregnant." - it just feels so permanent and even more real. BUT. when it comes down to it, i am still content because i know that our Father in Heaven is gracious and sovereign and no matter what, i will be okay. even if you don't come, i'll be sad and i believe that my heart will still ache for you, but i know that God will provide me with exactly what it is that is best for me and which will bring the most glory to Him.

this does not mean that i did not have a good cry. i cried a lot! i almost went to bed at 7pm, i skipped dinner and ate a bunch of ice cream when i shouldn't have.

oh my sweet ones, i love you. i know i say this a lot - but i miss you and i cannot wait to meet you. my friend recently had a baby and she said "i can't believe i could love someone so much that i just met". i quickly reminded her that she didn't just meet her daughter, that she had 9 months of getting to know her before she came out of her tummy and joined us out here in the world. it makes me think about how much i love you and i haven't even met you from the inside of my tummy, let alone on the outside. so how can i love someone so much that i've never met? what an intense and surreal feeling it is.

i guess i'll go. its very late and i'm pretty sleepy. i will talk to you again soon my precious babies.

love,
mommy.

naturalizing...

hi my babies. i wanted to tell you something. i talk a lot about wanting to feel you in my tummy, that i want to experience being a mommy before you've even taken your first breath of air. i know i talk about that a lot and i won't make light of it, i really do hope to have you inside my tummy where i can care for you from conception on. but i also want to let you know that if for some reason you come into my life in a different way other than what i have hoped for, i want you to know that i love you just the same, no matter what. no matter how you come into my life, you're still so precious and special to me. i love you and i cherish you. i am blessed to be your mommy.

your dear old mother has some medical nonsense that may possibly prevent her from having a safe and healthy home inside her tummy for you, so if that is the case, we may have to go another route to find and bring you home to be with us. theres this thing called adoption. its when you're born by one person who feels that the most loving and responsible thing for them to do is to place you for adoption so that a family who is looking to love and care for you is waiting. if for some reason we have to go that route, i never want you to think that i resent you, that i am utterly disappointed that you are not my blood. if i call you my son, if i call you my daughter, you mean more to me than i can even express. God has given me a huge capacity to love you and i can't wait to shower you with it, to the best of my abilities. i may not be perfect, there may be days that i'm awful or a mess, but i love you and always will. please show me grace just as Christ has! please!

there are a few things about adoption that are simply amazing. 1) your grandpa & grandma johnson were both adopted! you could have that in common! 2) your birth mother loved, cared and respected your life so much that  she knew she was unable to give you the life you deserved, so she allowed you to come to a family who could offer you that life. 3) as a Christian, we are adopted into the family of Jesus! how amazing is that? when Jesus chooses us to be a part of His family, He calls us to His family, He saves us from our sins, He adopts us and makes us heirs to His kingdom. so if you think of adoption in a heavenly fashion, its quite a remarkable thing. i am nowhere near as amazing as God but if you come into my life through adoption, i am bringing you into my life as if you were my own blood, as if you did come from my womb, you are my family. so nothing will ever change that. there will be no partiality or sadness that you did not come from my tummy... because if God chooses to give you to me through the form of adoption, i will remember that I was adopted into Christ's family and I'm so glad that i was. i hope you will be happy with me and bud as your mommy and daddy. we love you!

love,
mommy.

doctors, doctors and...

hello my lovely ones. this won't be a long blog, as your old mom needs to get to bed. today was full of stuff that i needed to get done. you see, mommy's body is not very kind to her on a number of occasions. i have a bunch of different things that require attention more often than not, and thankfully to the help of your grandma johnson, your daddy and i were clued in on a program that would help mommy get some help! it helped daddy too! he got his sore tooth taken care of! hooray! so today, i went to see mommy's favorite doctor, dr. jett. she is a sweet lady who really does care about the needs of her patients. i told her my concerns and she jumped right into action. i gave some blood so she can see if a) you're actually IN my tummy... (unfortunately, i have a feeling you're still being a bit shy and that you are not there, not yet at least... but it'd be a wonderful surprise if you were!) b) if my body is doing what it needs to do so that you can have a safe and happy home in my tummy and c) to see if there is something wrong that causes mommy to not lose weight properly and such.

now that i've seen dr. jett, i have the a-okay to go to another doctor. this doctor will also help your mom get in the right shape so that you can be happy and healthy in my tummy until the day that you are ready to come out! i've never met this doctor, so i'll have to tell you what i think after i meet her. i'm hoping and praying that she is lovely like dr. jett. so next month is a big month of finding out answers and seeing where to go from here. i would love to hear from dr. jett that you are in my tummy, growing and ready to surprise me. but, i won't get my hopes up, because if i do and you're not ready to be in there, i will get very sad. i miss you and i haven't even met you yet! how is that possible? life is pretty crazy right now, but i know that God is going to get us through it all and He will remain glorified in our lives.

oh my lovies, i love you so much. i cannot wait to stroke your soft cheeks and kiss you softly as you sleep. to hold your little hands in mine and know that you are mine. i can't wait to hold you in my arms and praise God for giving me such a blessing, for being the ultimate provider of our hearts desires. never forget that God is in control. He loves us and knows our hearts, you don't have to fear. oh how i long for the day that i can tell you all about Jesus, to tell you the Gospel, to take you to sunday school and hear you tell me about all that you learned. i love you, my babies. even though you're not here, even though i don't know you yet, when you finally read this, i hope you know that i love you and have loved you since before you were born. and i'll always love you, no matter what. you are in my heart and God has graciously blessed me with you to love and cherish. i love you so much.

love,
mommy.

hong kong and you.

hi my little ones. you are always on my mind and i always hold you in my heart. if i could, i'd pick you up right now and hold you close to me. so close that you could hear my heartbeat and know that you are apart of me. what a wonderful feeling it must be to be a mommy. some friends of ours had their little girls this past weekend. our friends brian and lea had a little girl and named her eislee. our friends erik and juli had their little girl and named her avery. don't worry - i'm sure that one day you'll meet them and become very good friends. depending on how things go, you may grow up one day with little eislee, maybe you'll be best friends! who knows! let me guess, you're thinking, why mom? i don't even know them! you see, eislee's mommy and daddy have the same desire as your mommy and daddy; and thats to see the land of hong kong changed drastically by our Father in Heaven. He is the only way that hong kong will be changed and we pray and can't wait to see how God will use us in that work. the doster family and the newman family long to see Jesus save the people of hong kong, to see them rise up and bring Glory to God with their lives. there's so much work to be done there, and one day you will be apart of it. yay!

i know i've talked of friends in hong kong, but i don't think i've ever told you about it. if you're anything like your mommy, you will think that its the most amazing place. if you're anything like your daddy, you'll think its the greatest city on earth. its full of people, large buildings, lots of trains, lots of history, great food, beautiful scenery and there is SO much to do. the people around hong kong, most of them are very busy, going form work to school, to after school programs, working a lot, always looking to improve themselves. its a very fast paced place, but oddly enough, to me - i have a calm there. your daddy is a genius at navigating us around and at picking up the language, he's very "at home" while there. its wonderful! the people of hong kong, for the most part, are very nice, intriguing and to me, extremely lovely and beautiful. there's a lot of hurt and need for Jesus there though, just like every place in the world. however, mommy and daddy's heart feels the closest to the hearts of the chinese. oh yeah... hong kong is in china! technically it is china, but theres another 37 years until china completely takes over, meaning freedoms and such. anyway - i have lots of pictures i could show you of hong kong! when you get here though, i have a feeling that not long after you arrive, we will be moving back over to hong kong, so you'll get to experience it first hand, and i'll have to show you pictures of america to show you where you came from!

i know, let me guess... 'mommy, you're talking about a lot of stuff i don't understand yet." i know, i just want to talk to you about the land that your mommy and daddy love so much. we want to see your heart love the people of hong kong like we do, to desire to see the Lord do a great work in the lives of these people, to see it overflow into mainland China and to the rest of the world. theres so much that i can't wait to experience with you, to see your eyes light up when we see the light show at the harbor in tst, to hear you cry that you don't want to walk up any more steps when going to visit the big buddah or to the temple in fanling. i want you to taste real chinese food, taste amazing new fruits like dragonfruit and jack fruit. i want you to smell the awful smell of durian and enjoy tricking friends into trying it, like we do! i want you to take our Father's word to those who need it. 

oh wouldn't it be great to take bike rides all over and learn alongside a lot of people who may not look like you, but you will be able to share in their culture as you will grow up in that culture. i'm so excited for you my already multi-cultural little ones. i cannot wait to meet you. i cannot wait to hold you and love you and have you nurse from my breast. i can't wait to watch your daddy fall in love with you and hold you and kiss you. and i can't wait to take you to where our heart calls home. i love you my darlings. i can't wait. i anticipate your snuggles and kisses everyday. please come soon. there's so much we get to do together! its going to be great!

love,

mommy.