oh i'm slacking... or maybe you keep me too busy!

hello sweetie.

oh i am sorry for never writing your proper 9 month update blog. i have a great excuse... you never stop moving! yes, so because of the fact that you never stop moving, i don't have the mental capacity to write out all the amazing things you've done and have been doing. but today, daddy is at a meeting and i have finally pushed myself to write this out. so here i am. hi!

i love you!

you are 11 months old! holy cow. you're nearly a year old. just a few weeks and we will be celebrating your birth, reminiscing on the joys that God gave us by giving us you. i will not even try to cover up how much my heart is breaking that you are not so little anymore. this year went way too fast. i honestly can't keep up with everything and yet, you keep growing and i keep learning. i keep growing and you keep learning. your daddy does the same. what a miraculous life it is that we've been given. what a brilliant God we serve. 

at 11 months you do the following:

- crawl! CRAWL! CRAWL! yes, you crawl all over creation. i cannot get you to sit still unless giving you a bite of something or enticing you with an extra cool toy. notice that i stress the words 'extra cool'. an ordinary toy will not get you to sit still long enough.

- you say daddy, baba, dada, lala, and ma. can you do me a solid and start calling me mama! it would do my heart so well.

- you pull yourself to standing and couch surf all over. you do not need help standing; however, you think that you do. you're growing in your confidence. once you amp that up a bit, you will be walking and running! then i'll really be in trouble.

- you eat EVERYTHING! pancakes, chicken, meatloaf, eggs, cheese, yogurt, spaghetti, lasagna, broccoli, spinach, beans, avocado, rice, etc. oddly enough, the only thing you do not like is sweet potatoes! i am pretty surprised because most kids love them. oh well, maybe one day you will. 

- you have 5 teeth (the 5th one will be through any day so i'm counting it). your smile is ridiculously precious and it makes my heart smile with such delight.

- you sleep through the night. THANK YOU!

- you dance and prefer certain songs.

- you sing in the car.

- you sleep with the blanket that was your mommy's when she was little and with the gorilla your tu-tu/grandma mo sent you. 

- you walk when holding onto my fingers

- you play games with daddy.

- you love your cousins!

as you can see... you're growing and developing amazingly. i cannot wait to see what you learn next! 

now for the not so great things... when you were 10 months, we had a few yucky times. first you got a crazy diaper rash that lasted for over a week. you were miserable and myself and daddy were so sad! thankfully, we got it under control. PHEW! then a few days after that, you got your first fever and cold, which turned into a sinus infection. i apologize for cursing you with sinus infections. hopefully, that will be the last one for a while and it does not turn into a persistent thing. you had to take antibiotics to finally take control of the yuck that was in your face. then you were back to your old self. hooray! 

or so i thought. 

this past week, a few days shy of your 11 month birthday, you decided you wanted to have a nursing strike. yes, for nearly 4 days, you did not want to nurse from me. you would drink mama-milk from a cup or a bottle. you would eat regular food. but you would scream and cry if i tried to put you to the breast. this was absolutely devastating to me. i cried. i became a very ugly person and was definitely feeling some pretty terrible feelings. i am sorry for being so heinous. it was a dark time in my life and i learned a lot from it... and i still don't know why you chose to stop nursing. but just as fast as you stopped nursing, you started back up again. and i cried tears of joy. nursing you is such a special bond that we share. it's ours and i relish all the time i get to snuggle you close, feel your breath on me, and just soak you in. it is such a nice break in the day when i get to nurse you. i love it. i love you! so thank you for going back to the breast. i'm so glad our nursing relationship isn't over yet. i really wasn't quite ready and i didn't know if you were or not. thankfully, you're not done either.

that leads up to today. you're 11 months and 3 days old. we are gearing up to go on our trip to california in a few weeks. we will celebrate your birthday there with the family you get to meet out there. then we will celebrate your birthday just with mommy and daddy. then we will celebrate your birthday with all your friends and family after thanksgiving! its going to be a full and awesome month. we love you so much and are so excited to watch you grow. 

i guess that's all i've got for now. this letter has already gotten way too long. i love you more than life itself. you're the best gift that God ever gave to me; after the gift of salvation and after the gift of your daddy. but you'll learn why i say that when you're older. until next time - when you've turned one! i love you.

love,

mommy.

messes galore!

hello sweetie.

this will be a brief note today, as in 8 days you will turn 9 months old and i'll write a proper updated letter to you. but today i was taken back by something that i thought was important for me to share! as of your 6 month "birthday", you have been eating solid foods. you're doing great. we're off of purees and onto soft bites of whatever it is i'm eating or of something that i've made for you. you love your veggies. that to me is a blessing and i am so glad! this week you tried spaghetti, cauliflower, noodles, and carrots. you liked it all. you really are a great eater! now, along with great eating comes great messes! in all fairness, you are quite a delicate eater and you do not smash your food all over the place. at least not yet. i'm sure one day you probably will, but as for now, you love to eat and if the food does not enter your mouth fast enough, you let us know! but again, while you're a neat eater; messes are still made. you miss your mouth here, you squeeze too hard on a soft carrot there, you drop a piece of broccoli out of your mouth, and that's the mess i'm referring too.

i love watching you eat. i love to see you enjoy your food, knowing that you will be satisfied and receive all sorts of good vitamins and nutrition to help you grow. i even love it when the mess is made. this evening after i had put you to bed, i went to clean up a bit in the kitchen and was cleaning your chair. there was bits of puff, carrots, cauliflower, and broccoli stuck to the seat and on the tray. my very first instinct was not to get upset at the mess, was not to get exasperated with more work to do, and it surely wasn't to become annoyed that there was wasted food. no, my first instinct was one of joy. joy that you were enjoying your food. joy that i have a little boy who sits nicely, eats, and makes messes. joy that i have a son and that i am a mother. joy that my role as a woman and wife

is not just to clean up my home for myself and husband, but after the fruit of our love. for our little boy. it is a joy to clean up after you. i know there will be days where i do get annoyed and/or exasperated. i pray that on those days, God will give me special grace to be grateful for my blessings. i never want to lose sight of the fact that we wanted you and prayed so diligently and hard for you to enter our lives. with those memories and that insight, messes around the house seem so silly to get too upset over. i am so thankful to have you in my life, little bubs. you're my most favoritest little guy in this entire world. we love you and are so proud of you!

love,
mommy.

8 months of love.

hello sweetie,

you are officially 8 months old. we have so much fun together and i cannot believe how fast this time is going. can you please slow down? you do all sorts of fun things and eat a lot of foods. you are growing into such a neat little person and your personality is truly starting to come out.

at 8 months you:
eat solid foods - your favorites are broccoli, refried beans, rice, mum-mums, applesauce, and spinach.
drink water from your straw cup.
have 2 teeth and more on the way. (this is exciting and also a little bit sad for your mommy. your smile is forever changed, no more gummy/toothless grins from you. from this day on, you'll have teeth in your mouth and in all your pictures.)
dance when music comes on.
army "crawl", get up on your knees to try and crawl, crawl backwards, and sit-up without assistance.
said 'MA" twice! come on lovebug... say MAMA!!!!!
hang out in your jumper.
play drums on your high chair.
sleep through the night.
sleep in your pack n'play during nap times.
truly enjoy your time with your family and friends.
talk a lot.
smile from ear to ear.
belly laugh more frequently.
bring so much joy to everyone you meet.

my love, you are a remarkable young man and we are so grateful to have you be in our lives. God put you right where you belonged, we couldn't have asked for a more amazing little boy. i can't wait to see what other fun shenanigans we get into over the next several months. i cannot believe that you're going to be a year old in just a little over 3 months... this is absolutely crazy! but so fun. your daddy and i love you so much. keep growing, keep learning, and keep smiling. i love you so very much.

love,
mommy.

we could never have prepared for this...

hello my love,

you just turned 7 months old. wow! oh my love, i thank God for you each day. your daddy and i love you and you make us so proud. you wake up each morning with a smile. you sit up all on your own, roll over from back to tummy (sometimes this is a problem because when you roll over in your crib, you get stuck on your belly and get frustrated) and sometimes tummy to back. you spend 90% of your day smiling. you squeal and scream with joy. you play with your favorite dog, monster truck. you try to pet the cat and she has warmed up to you. you also get the biggest smile on your face after a long day at work and daddy walks in the house. you truly do light up when you see him. it blesses my soul to see how much you delight in your father. you two have so much mutual love for one another. it's absolutely precious.

on your 6 month "birthday", we gave you your first solid food! avocado! you really enjoyed it. okay, well... you weren't quite sure at first. you spit it out and i think we got more all over your face and chest rather than in your mouth and tummy. but the next day, i smashed up some avocado and you chowed down! we tried green beans a week later and you scarfed that down! so far, i think green beans are your favorite. you also like spinach. however, you really don't like it reheated from the freezer. daddy says he doesn't blame you. hehe! funnily enough, you do not like sweet potato or banana. i thought for sure you'd like those two foods because they are on the sweeter side. nope. i think it's great that you love the green foods! you also have had cantaloupe and watermelon, which you liked as well. you just really enjoy eating! and i am so glad to give you healthy and good foods that will help you grow big and strong.

speaking of growing: at 6 months old you weighed 17.7 pounds and were 28 inches tall. you are definitely bigger now! you were the average weight of a 6 month old child and in the 95th percentile for height. you're my lean and tall young man. simply perfect!

you have had your first trip to pennsylvania to visit a group of your daddy's friends. you also had your first sleep away from home at auntie neva's house. both of those trips were interesting. in pennsylvania, you decided that you were going to stay awake until 10:30 at night! thankfully, you slept through the night once we got home and stayed on your schedule the following day. when we stayed at auntie neeves, you went to bed kinda late, but you definitely did great then too. what an exciting time! you're getting to do so many things! hooray!

you have a tooth! as of this week - you popped your first tooth. please, do me a solid and stop biting me. thankfully, you don't bite me often. but every now and then, you like to test out your new tooth while nursing on mommy's breast. can we just say... OWWWWW! but hooray! you have a tooth. it also looks like the tooth next to it will pop through soon too. once it comes up a little more, i'll be able to get a better picture of it. i must say... it is difficult to picture you're amazing smile full of teeth. and i am reminded that you are growing up into a big boy and its bittersweet. i love you so much at this age and at every age you've been so far. please, just don't grow up too fast.

mother's day and father's day have past and having you there in our arms on those days made the days so very special. granted, daddy is not a huge fan of holidays, it was still special. in the past years, mother's day and father's day were hard because we were missing a person in our life, one that we never got to meet. you. and now, you're here and we are so excited that we have you. our lives feel so much more complete with you in it. thank you for being our little boy. thank you God for giving us such an incredible son!

i apologize for taking such a long time to write. i've just been spending most of my time with you and when i'm not, i am pretty exhausted and ready to just crash. but its a good exhaustion. you're the absolute best reason to be tired. thank you for being here and making me tired.

for now i must go. but i love you and daddy does too. we are so very happy to know you and to have you be a huge part of our lives. i love you.

love,
mommy.

5 months already...

hello sweetie,

oh buel. i cannot believe that you are already 5 months old! God has truly blessed us with you. you are such a unique, sweet, and handsome person that we get to call "son." we cannot thank Him enough for all that He has given us. lately, you're working on grabbing your feet, trying to roll over, talking, occasionally laughing, lots of smiling, and you love to stand while i hold you. you also love to chew on your hands. you are in the early stages of teething, so you chew to relieve the pain and weird feeling that is associated with getting teeth. you're going to look so different with teeth, but i'm sure you're going to look just as cute as always! you also enjoy some tummy time too! whenever you're put on your tummy, it looks as if you're trying to crawl! slow down, mommy is not ready for all that! but it sure will be fun when you're crawling around. oh and you and i are also working on trying to get you to sit up on your own! you tend to puke every time you lean forward too much. thankfully, it doesn't seem to bother you. you also LOVE to chew on things. my fingers, your fingers, your squishy book, and your ring chain. which leads me to something else...

there is another thing that you're doing a lot of and that is: DROOLING! oh the amount of drool that comes out of that little mouth of yours is impressive. its as if you were showing the whole world that you're the master of drooling. pop-pop calls it your sugar that you're just giving away! hehe! your pop-pop and gramma love you so much! your cousin evan loves it when we play the "drooling" game. i pick you up and chase evan around while yelling "droooooooooly! drooooooooly!" and then we gob some drool all over him. it's his most favorite game.

you're also becoming really good friends with your cousins, auntie sarah, and especially uncle dan. sometimes, mommy calls him your uncle d. every day we go to their house to hang out with your cousins while auntie sarah and uncle d go to work. we play hard all day and then you play even harder when uncle d is around. you and he are good friends, which does my heart good. i love to see the joy you and my family have when you're together. i truly wish you could spend time with your california family, daddy's side of the family. they love you and wish they could see you too. especially your grandma mo! one day we may live closer to them. we'll see i guess, we are here in maryland for a while. but we're trying to work out a trip to visit. someday. soon, hopefully.

oh, my boy. i love you so much. i want you to know this each and every day. your mommy and daddy think of you all the time, miss you when we're not with you, get excited when you do new things, get sad when you're hurting or sad, and smile when you smile. i love to cuddle and snuggle with you. this week i finally started sleeping in my own room so that you could have your own room too. i miss you, i miss hearing your little noises throughout the night, and i miss waking up and looking over to see you. but it's best that you're in your own room. you get your sleep and i get mine. its been good. but i do miss you, so seeing you in the morning is such a delight! you are the delight of my heart.

i guess i'll go for now. next month you will be 6 months old! a half-year old! oh Lord, please let time slow down. it is going too fast for this squishy heart of mine. :) but its such a lovely time to be with you. thank you for being you, buel. you're so beautiful. mommy and daddy love you! it's so very true. i love you.

love,
mommy.

1 year ago...

hi sweetie,

on this day one year ago, i found out that you were growing in my tummy. it was the most surreal day and i remember almost every bit of it as if it were yesterday. it was an off chance that i decided to take a test to see if i could possibly be pregnant. then all of a sudden, the test said yes! and then after a quick call to your mama joni, the second test said yes... then after lots of tears and shaking, i called daddy and told him the amazing news. "we did it!" he said. i also called and told your auntie neva! (she is currently pregnant with your soon to be friend!) oh how exciting... i was still in disbelief. i dragged your cousins to the doctors office with me to get another test done, a more definitive one. i had to wait a day for the response to that test, but lo and behold, all tests confirmed that you were there.

oh God is so good to have entrusted your daddy and me to be your parents. we are so blessed to have you in our lives and we have grown so much more in love with you than we ever thought possible. in the past 12 months you grew from a little tadpole (remember i told you, i used to call you our little tadpole), to a scorpion (daddy liked to call you scorpion!), to an amazing rolling and kicking machine inside my belly with a heart rate averaging in the 150s, to a gorgeous little boy who means more to me than i could have ever imagined. you made a grand entrance on november 18 at 10:56am. everyone you come into contact with, everyone you meet, everyone that sees you falls in love with you instantly. buel, you are one special little boy. you are so handsome with a contagious smile, sweet scent, strong and alert, and just simply amazing.

you can roll from your tummy to your back, you hold your head up and are trying to learn to sit up on your own. your favorite thing to do is to stand while someone is holding you. you also love to hang out with your cousins carter and evan as well as your friends benjamin and jonerz. you have gorgeous hazel eyes, light colored hair, you're tall and have a lovely amount of chub! you wear 6 month clothes, mostly because you're so tall and anything else is too short. you like to nap in your dog chair, you sleep through the night, you're working on getting some teeth on the bottom (you drool like a faucet and chomp on your hands!), and you love to cuddle in bed with mommy. you fit into your hat that matches daddy's! you also fit into the first onesie that we bought you, your gold star trek shirt! you giggle when something really tickles your fancy. you like to pet monster truck. you like to sit with your daddy while he plays on the computer and when he comes home from work, your face beams with so much joy and love. you try to stay awake at bedtime but always fall asleep and wake-up smiling in the morning. there have been a few nights where things were wonky and mommy had a few freak outs (mostly out of sheer exhaustion because neither you or i were sleeping!), but we're getting through it. it wouldn't be life if everything was perfect.

anyway, my sweet boy, i love you. you are so loved by so many people it is insane. i am beyond blessed to be a mommy, to be your mommy. thank you, Lord for giving us our son.

love,
mommy.

your laughter.

hello sweetie,

today you laughed for the first time. it was the most precious laugh that i've ever heard in my life. you did it a few times in a row and then i couldn't get you to do it again. i am guessing when something is seriously funny to you, you will laugh. real laughter from a heart that is happy and a soul that is delighted. i'm so excited to see who you will become. you turn 4 months in just a few days... you're growing up so fast and i am definitely conflicted on how i feel about the whole thing. i'm so excited because growing means more life and more fun. but i so cherish this sweet time of cuddles and cooing. i love you so much, son. my son. i love you more and more each day. even the days when my patience runs thin. i love you. thank you for being born. thank you Jesus for bringing buel into my life.

love you,
mommy.

talking with smiles.

hello sweetie,

you are now 2.5 months old! i know i told you that i would write to you about why we baptized you; however, i feel like it'd be better to explain that to you in person. but in short - your baptism is a sign that you are a part of the visible church. but that is a lot to explain. so just know that we did it because it is what God asked us to do. we love you.

so lately, one of my most favorite times of day is when i get you out of your crib. yes, you sleep in your big boy crib now. i still sleep in the same room as you, but wow - you sleep in a crib and not just a bassinet. these milestones are so bittersweet for your mommy. i am so excited that you're growing and thriving and doing well. on the other hand, i am relishing this time with you that you are little and i don't want it to fade just yet. but keep growing. mommy's heart will be okay. i'm so looking forward to all the fun things we'll get to do as you continue to grow. anyway, when i get you out of bed in the morning, you give me some of the. biggest. smiles! it is as if you are so excited to see me after you've been sleeping for so long. it is such a special time for us - we sing, talk, and cuddle every morning and its just the most fun part of my day. i love your smile. i love you so much.

my other most favorite time of the day is bedtime. and i know that sounds like i am just excited for the break that nighttime brings me but that is not it at all. each night after you've nursed at my breast, you and i rock in our rocking chair and i sing you songs until you're just about sleeping. you snuggle into my neck and i sing and rock and rub your back. then i pray. i pray for you, our families, our friends, i pray for your salvation, i pray for God's hand to be over you and allow you to live an exceptional and beautiful life that brings glory to His name. i pray that God will bless our family and that daddy and i will be good parents and help you to grow up properly. then i sing one or two more songs and then you fade off to sleep after a few minutes. its such a wonderful time.

daddy and i love you so much that we will do anything to take care of you. we want to do what is right for you and we want you to have an exceptional life. so we will do what we can and i hope that you will understand that our reasoning behind some of our decisions is with your best interest in mind. just a heads up NOW. i'm sure i'll be telling you this WAY before you get a chance to read this. oh my sweet baby boy... you are so precious to me and your daddy. we cannot tell you enough how much we love you. we will tell you each and every day.

now you are ready for sleep so i will go. but i love you my darling. till the next time i write...

love,
mommy.

a new and exciting year is upon us.

hello sweetie.

everything in life that used to get me excited and giddy are so less exciting to me these days. christmas did not feel the same this year - but perhaps next year it will. new years is never exciting in our household. and my birthday was a bust (mostly because daddy and i were both sick!). i'm not bummed about the change in my heart over these things because i know why they felt so different. and i know that next year they will feel different and each year it will change again. it's all because of you. you remarkable young lad! why, you ask? well - it's because the most exciting thing that daddy and i were waiting for has arrived. you! you were our precious christmas gift, you were our anticipation and you were what we were wishing and hoping for. and you're here. so the excitement of gifts and fun times with friends and family is amazing and we loved every minute of it - but, to me at least, it all does not hold a candle to the joy and excitement that is you being in our lives. you are the gift that keeps on giving because each day is new.

i won't lie. some days feel completely mundane because we're doing the same thing over and over. wake, nurse, diaper change, sleep, coo, sleep, nurse, change diaper, sleep. and so on and so forth. but each day i am able to learn a little more about you and you are learning things each day too. for example - on december 15th - you found your hand and were staring at it a lot. and on december 28th - you gave me your first smile! like a real smile, not just a gas bubble. [side note: when you get married and have a baby, the first smiles are most likely gas... you'll know the difference between gassy smiles and real smiles. and those real smiles make the sleepless nights and the moments of frantic crazies all worth it. i promise.] so each day, you are learning and growing and showing us new things. on my birthday you started sticking your tongue out a lot and making spit bubbles. ;-P yes, i know - you probably think i'm a nut job to think these things are more exciting than christmas or my birthday. maybe i am. but they are. they are exciting because i get to see a little more of your unique personality. i get to know you better each day and that is so exciting.

you are so loved. so many people comment about how you are just so precious. granted, i'm flaunting you around like a prize. but not really. i post pictures because i am so proud. i post pictures because you are who i spend my days with. i post pictures because you have family 3000 miles away who want to see your face. so i don't feel bad about all the pictures and how most of my facebook has turned into a baby yearbook of sorts. daddy and i are so proud that you're in our life and we are going to shout it from the rooftops. because God saw fit to give us a little boy who is beyond precious, who is beyond cute, and who has stolen our hearts.

on december 6, you got to meet your grandma mo! she was so excited to meet you that she flew all the way from california to be here and see you. she was here for a few days. while she was here you got baptized. we'll talk about that on the next letter. she spoiled you rotten with hugs and kisses and holding you! she loves you SO much and you love her. you spent lots of time just laying on her chest while she sang to you, rocked you, and loved on you. it was a very special time and i'm so glad that you and her got that time together. we hope to go visit in june and unless she comes to visit before then, you'll see her again then. and this time you may be able to remember her! hopefully once you start watching things a bit more, we'll do some skype sessions so you get to know her and grandpa burt's faces and voices. then you'll know who is hugging and kissing you when we visit! but oh, grandma mo loves you so much. you're her little peanut.

before this gets too long, i thought i'd tell you that some of my favorite times with you are when we're sitting in your bedroom on the spare mattress. we just hang out after you've been fed and changed. right now, you're not even 2 months old so you still sleep quite a bit. but when you're awake, i love to sit and listen to music with you. these are the four songs we listen too on a regular basis... one of them is a "love song", and isn't meant to be sung by a mommy to her son, but to me - i think of you when i sing along.

"baby mine" - alison krauss. this was the song that i sang to you while you were in my tummy and will sing to you until you tell me to stop. it holds a very special place in my heart and when i sing it to you i weep with love and joy.

"beautiful boy" by john lennon. i first heard this song when i was much younger while watching a movie called mr. holland's opus. this song was the first song that came to mind then i learned that i was going to have a little boy! you are beautiful and i am excited to watch you grow!

"sweet baby james" by james taylor. your grandma mo used to sing this to your daddy, uncle, and auntie. so i thought i would carry on the tradition since she doesn't get the chance to hold you and sing to you every night. she even sang it to you while she was here!

"make you feel my love" - adele. this is the love song that really isn't for mommy to baby; however, most of the song, minus the middle part, are things i think about with you. so it works just fine for me. :) because i will always do what i can to make you feel my love.

okay - i'm done for now. i love you so much. next time i write, i'll talk to you about your baptism, why we did it, how important it was, and what it means.

love,
mommy.